The big ONE!

Well, its here...Brylee's first birthday! We cant believe how fast this year has gone by. Our last baby isnt a baby anymore! What a bittersweet time. I am excited to move onto new things, and be done with the baby stage, but I have also loved having a little one around to let me cuddle them and just sit and watch them play contently without making a mess or getting into an argument with a sibling. I have to admit that I wasnt so thrilled to go through it all again, but it has been fun to watch her grow and develop.

Brylee was definitely a Christmas surprise. We are still trying to figure out how Santa granted that wish for Katelin (or the dandelion stalk fairies). I admittedly cried when I found out we were having another one...for weeks! I didnt know how we could fit another child into our family, or our car for that matter. We couldnt afford another one. We would have to push back that family vacation a little longer. I would have to wait an extra 2 years for all the kids to be in school, so I could pursue my own interests. But I really felt like I couldnt do it again. I'm not the type of person who can raise 5 kids! I dont have the patience or the ambition to do it. And I definitely didnt want to go through labor again! All selfish reasons, I know...but I really thought I was done! I was pregnant...again, and going to have to accept it whether I thought I wanted it or not.

I started to try and come up with reasons why Heavenly Father thought I needed another one. There must be some mistake...does He not know me and my capabilities at all!? The only thing that I could come up with, was that Zack needed a brother. Poor kid...stuck with all these girls! So I thought I knew this must be the answer! I started to cope with this thought, and feel a little excitement. I can put my own desires aside for the sake of Zack. Then came time for the ultrasound. Ive never had that motherly instinct where I knew what kind of baby I was going to have. My intuition was wrong with every single one of them! I let my hopes and wants get in the way of reality. This time was no exception. Of course...it was another girl. " What! Are you sure? Look again!" Nope, a girl. The tears started again! What the heck do I need another girl for?! I already have 3 of them! My original feelings returned.

I felt bad for myself almost the whole nine months. Pregnancy never went so fast! Then the big day came. I was so far from being prepared to give birth, I didnt know how I was going to do it again. But of course, there was no stopping it. I considered getting an epidural for the first time in my life, because I just didnt want to feel that pain again. But I took it a little at a time, until it was time to push, and I did it. I made it through naturally again. And then I looked at her, and heard her cry. She was beautiful!

Thoughts of shame entered my mind. 'How could I not want this precious gift from God? He has trusted me enough to send me another one of his children to love and to nurture. He must think I am doing a good job. I am honored to have his seal of approval. She was coming into our family to offer us something new. To teach us new things...and bring us joy. Thats it...her middle name. Its Joy. Its perfect for this, the Christmas season. She will bring us joy, how couldnt she? She is a miracle.' Every moment from that point on, I have tried to make it up to her...my feelings of resentment toward her; my lack of faith, and prayer on her behalf. When I was alone with her in the hospital I would just hold her, and look at her in awe. I tried to apologize for not wanting her. Could she have really felt that? I hope she couldnt sense the absence of love, that the other kids had been given in the womb. I didnt talk to her or try to bond with her. What kind of a person am I? She was perfect! I vowed to her to never let her feel unloved again.

And for that reason, she may be a bit spoiled. Its whats caused me to pick her up as soon as she cried. That kept me nursing her the whole last year, even through teeth biting and long sleepless nights. The longest I ever went was 5 months. She didnt have to learn to take a bottle or have to be alone if she didnt want to! So its my fault she has just learned to crawl, and isnt walking or pulling herself up, or even sleeping through the night. She knows I owe her one, and she has me wrapped tightly around her little fingers, all 10 of them! Whatever she wants, I need to get it for her! And you thought it was all the other kids fault! Nope, its all me...trying to make it up to her, trying to prove to her that I care.

And through all that, she is still the happiest and most content baby we have had. Aside from not wanting a bottle and not sleeping...she is perfect. And as I stated..thats my own fault and I deserve it!

So here we are, a year and 6 paragraphs later. And what have I learned? I thought I knew what I needed and wanted, but I didnt. I thought I knew what I could handle, but found out only one person really knows that, and He will test us to our greatest ability. I learned not to question Him. To submit to his will. I can do it if He says I can do it. I have been doing it. She is getting older, just like all the other ones and growing too fast, just like all the others.

Now that you have read another one of my novels, I will get to the goods. The stuff you all scrolled down to see. The first birthday details. We started out by having her favorite meal for dinner, baked ziti and bread sticks. Of course today, of all days, she didnt want her ziti. Its okay, its her birthday, and I love her! Then it was off to open presents! She was assisted by 3 helpers and then robbed of her new toys by one. Ill let you guess who. Then she was presented with a 22 cupcake balloon bouquet and one big candle to reach out and try to touch, blown out courtesy of those same 3 helpers. The cake mess we were hoping for did not happen. She only wanted ice-cream today. I think the pink and purple frosting freaked her out! And last of all, what does a one year old need after all that excitement? Bedtime. Hopefully tomorrow she will get a little more peace to play with her new toys.

Did you guess who the toy thief was? Zack thought it was Christmas already, and tried to open his own present. When he saw the fun new things Brylee was getting, he just couldnt resist! Who could blame him?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY!